Stachin' Forward

I know I told you I was taking your picture for a prominent mustache blog, sorry, I lied. How can you even look at yourself in the mirror every morning? More importantly, what are you doing all the way in Allston? Isn't there a forest in Canada that needs to be cut down? Just kidding, I know there is no way you are strong enough to lift an axe, besides, even if you did manage to swing it your beanie might actually fall off and not just look like it's about to. That thing on your face is absolutely disgusting, I can't even come up with a good insult for it. Another day, another flannel. I should submit this picture to the Oxford English Dictionary so they can better define "Minor Leaguer."

Chances of making it to Williamsburg: 0%. Supposedly a tree grows in Brooklyn, but I don't think that's enough to entice this lumberjack fuck.

Joke on the bike dorks.

Here, we have a classic example of a trendy bike dork.

Bike Dorks really jumped off... 5? 6? years ago? Its almost like everybody is just waiting for the next trend to come around. And for now we're just stuck with these idiots. The accessories for these people are what kill me. The weak little backpack which he probably stole from a 3rd grader. And the horrible winter coat that shows he is "funny". What the fuck is that hat, it looks like he stole it off a Canadian tourist. I just don't get it. This will be the first of many bike dork pictures, its almost cheating to make fun of these people.

Chances of making it to Williamsburg : 3. Not retro enough of a bicycle. Better luck with one of your other 12 bikes.

"The Cut"

Maybe you're familiar with "The Cut." Maybe you're not. "The Cut" is the brainchild of two friends who shall remain nameless, but in case it's not obvious, allow me to explain. Basically, "The Cut" is the most ridiculous of all hair-styling decisions. Only the boldest man or woman would dare enter their haircuttery of choice and ask for such a dramatic chop. To get "The Cut" means to remove one's sideburns completely, that is, to raise one's hairline above one's ear. This hairstyle has been the subject of many laughs over the years, and this was certainly the case when I strolled into this sweet Allston type party and came face to face with a textbook example of the world's bravest hairdo. Needless to say, I felt compelled to photograph this hairstyle maven. I'm not even sure this guy is a minor leaguer, his style is straight tee-ball. Here's some advice kid: Buy yourself a hat with earflaps and don't let anyone talk you into taking it off.

Chances of making it to Williamsburg: .0000001%, I'm not even sure this guy is Allston material.

I hate Peyton Manning. You suck too.

I guess that title is only relevant if a: you slang shirts outside of Fenway, or b: you purchase said shirts at such sporting events -- both of which this fool does neither. Although, the '04 Sox season did bring out the worst "fans" in Boston history, so this newjack might have sneaked onto the bandwagon.

"Oh my God, Tom Brady missed a Super Bowl ring this year. He already has three! How many more does he need!?" I couldn't help but overhear this particular statement from someone who says it so casually while wearing (what appeared to be) a waxed coat with fur lapels, pin-rolled jeans, dress socks (in the middle of winter,) and cap-toe oxfords. Oh yes, how can I forget about the nautical beanie that is obviously too small for this auditioning indie rocker's* dome in order to calculatedly reveal his unkempt hair? Also, who the fuck rolls their jeans in the dead of winter when it's 10 degrees out? If he spent less time trying to figure out the proper way to wear a scarf, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he probably would've found out Brady was injured in the pre-season that put him on the DL for the whole regular season. But even if he did follow sports, he'd most likely be a Manning fan, anyways.

*Upon hearing his initial statement sputtering his bullshit opinion about sports, this minor leaguer also mentions he is on his way to some sort of audition. My guess would be bassist for a band trying too hard to sound like Neutral Milk Hotel or Swans.

Chances of making it to Brooklyn: 10%. His chances would increase if the B-Line stops at Williamsburg, replaces his current glasses for some tortoise shell joints, throws on a pair of wool socks with ironic print or argyle, wingtip oxfords or desert boots, and cropped pants designed by Thom Browne or some knockoff -- all simultaneously.

Two for the price of one

Characters: "Just got out of bed" guy, "Over the top wacky outfit" girl
Scene: A typical party in Allston

I don't know where to begin with this one. First of all dude, nobody is buying that you just rolled out of bed and threw on whatever was laying closest to you, despite the amount of product you put in your hair to achieve said look. That IS a nice flannel though, I can't help but wonder what inspired such a bold fashion choice. Not many would dare to wear a flannel in Allston (Imagine some sort of 'rolling eyes' emoticon here). One final note, get your jeans hemmed, you look like a fool. As for you Sailor Moon, maybe you know something I don't, but I think you will have a hard time sailing from Allston to Williamsburg. I realize your parents are probably mailing you rent checks from their yacht while they sail around the world, but I'm not sure that makes you qualified to dress that way. I hope you take that ridiculous hat off when you enter the civilized world, and while you're at it maybe remove the stupid friendship anklet you made at summer camp. That way people might actually believe you when you say you're NOT a 17-year-old freshman at BU.

Shitty hair guy's chances of making it to Williamsburg: 5%
Jacqueline Sparrow's chances of making it to Williamsburg: 1% on her own, 100% if she can figure out how to drive a boat on land.

Please stop eating here...

"Don't Quit your day job"

Ok, here is your classic case of "I'm already there mannnn" kid. When he was a kid, prob went thru all the trendy music and when his dad tried to show him his old records he showed no interest. But now that Bob Dylan is sort of cool, and "retro" is soo in.... This dude raided his father's record, and is going for the aspiring artist who tries to know more about music than you. The ugly sweater is either from his mother's 80's storage container, or something he paid a lot for at a store, cause he prob doesn't "get" 2nd hand stores. This kid might actually live in Brooklyn and comes to see his old chums and tells stories of their paradise. But in reality this kid sits the bench and nobody gives a fuck. nice hat, SIKE!

chances of this kid making it to williamsburg: 3. (2.5 cause he might live there.)

1986 til infinity

Summer of 2008. I didn't think I'd be stepping into the '80s. If I did, I would've worn my Cazals and KO Jordan 1's.

A friend and I were walking down a crowded Newbury Street on a typical Boston summer afternoon. We get towards the shitty end of it -- locals know what I'm talking about, where the rank bike couriers and self-deprecating art school dropouts sit around on the platform next to Starbucks and JP Licks -- when a minor leaguer is clearly spotted. Appearing to be in her early college years and, from the looks of it, hoping to find her identity, this young lady hopes to relive the decade she never got to fully experience by picking out a wardrobe that has been laid out by the brilliant minds of Urban Outfitters. Words to live by: You're not special. You're not unique. You're not an individual. Stop trying so hard, and it won't come across so noticeably.

Chances of making it to the majors of NYC: 0 -- You have a few years to go. Don't sweat it.